Oxymoron - an OXYMORON story for Fairy Tale Friday, 12th September 2014
There once lived a man who lived in a desolate hovel. Where he lived. He was a poor man, and strange. His worldly possessions amounted to nothing more than a kettle and a strip of corrugated iron, which he used as a pillow and a blanket respectively. For this man was an idiot. A himbo of the highest order. He could not even summon the cognitive hutzpah to eat, bathe or perform differential calculus, and was consequently very thin and smelly, but thankfully not boring.
One day he ventured outside his shitty mudhut, and beheld the world at large. He promptly suffered a minor aneurism and retired to the safety of his house, away from such intellectual assailants as "change" and "things". But soon thereafter he grew curious once more, and broached the outside world once again. What he saw this time changed(!) his life forever…
A large bovine with long, curved horns and fleshy dewlap, was rummaging in the flora outside his ill-fitted doorway, munching up his greens. The idiot stared in disbelief, never having seen another sentient creature before, beyond the midges that occasionally flew into his mouth by accident and kept him from starving. Tentatively, he drew nearer.
The beast recoiled slightly as he advanced, brandishing his horns in a warning manner. But it was a naff display, the creature’s heart wasn’t in it. Truth was all he really wanted was a friend, and the idiot seemed like an ideal candidate (BUT THEN, HE WAS A BIG COW-THING, AND THEREFORE NO JUDGE OF CHARACTER). Gingerly, the idiot ushered the creature into his lodge, patting his sandy rump as he did so. Then he patted the cow.
Once inside his house, he gently encouraged the creature to lie upon the hearth, if hearth it could realistically be called, which it couldn’t, and proceeded to stroke its flank. After a time, he grew tired of this motif, and fell asleep on the creature’s back, snoring like a motherfucker. And there he lay, for hooooours.
When again he woke, he looked down, and let out an almighty scream. Grasping his kettle-pillow in his panicked hand, he bludgeoned the bovine creature to death, then took up his corrugated duvet, and slashed away at the beast’s cadaver until its guts spilt over the dusty ground. For you see, so stupid was he, he’d completely forgotten their encounter of the day before, and saw only a hideous, gore-horned intruder beneath him when he’d awoken. Incensed, he did a frenetic dance with the entrails, bathing in the blood of his victim until he was covered from head to toe in the creature’s viscera.
Just then, the door creaked open, and there stood a beautiful princess. Her curvaceous, sun-kissed form and jet hair swathed in jewels and silks, her striking azure eyes shining in the sunlight. She gazed at the incarnadine cretin before her, breathing heavily upon his anti-hearth, and her perfect lips broke into a smile.
"Wow," she said, "you’re one sexy creep."
FIN.
One day he ventured outside his shitty mudhut, and beheld the world at large. He promptly suffered a minor aneurism and retired to the safety of his house, away from such intellectual assailants as "change" and "things". But soon thereafter he grew curious once more, and broached the outside world once again. What he saw this time changed(!) his life forever…
A large bovine with long, curved horns and fleshy dewlap, was rummaging in the flora outside his ill-fitted doorway, munching up his greens. The idiot stared in disbelief, never having seen another sentient creature before, beyond the midges that occasionally flew into his mouth by accident and kept him from starving. Tentatively, he drew nearer.
The beast recoiled slightly as he advanced, brandishing his horns in a warning manner. But it was a naff display, the creature’s heart wasn’t in it. Truth was all he really wanted was a friend, and the idiot seemed like an ideal candidate (BUT THEN, HE WAS A BIG COW-THING, AND THEREFORE NO JUDGE OF CHARACTER). Gingerly, the idiot ushered the creature into his lodge, patting his sandy rump as he did so. Then he patted the cow.
Once inside his house, he gently encouraged the creature to lie upon the hearth, if hearth it could realistically be called, which it couldn’t, and proceeded to stroke its flank. After a time, he grew tired of this motif, and fell asleep on the creature’s back, snoring like a motherfucker. And there he lay, for hooooours.
When again he woke, he looked down, and let out an almighty scream. Grasping his kettle-pillow in his panicked hand, he bludgeoned the bovine creature to death, then took up his corrugated duvet, and slashed away at the beast’s cadaver until its guts spilt over the dusty ground. For you see, so stupid was he, he’d completely forgotten their encounter of the day before, and saw only a hideous, gore-horned intruder beneath him when he’d awoken. Incensed, he did a frenetic dance with the entrails, bathing in the blood of his victim until he was covered from head to toe in the creature’s viscera.
Just then, the door creaked open, and there stood a beautiful princess. Her curvaceous, sun-kissed form and jet hair swathed in jewels and silks, her striking azure eyes shining in the sunlight. She gazed at the incarnadine cretin before her, breathing heavily upon his anti-hearth, and her perfect lips broke into a smile.
"Wow," she said, "you’re one sexy creep."
FIN.
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