Lagni-App - a LAGNIAPPE story for Fairy Tale Friday, 12th December 2014

"One dozen mice, please" said Ephram cheerily.
The myriad tweets and chirrups of the veg and pet emporium resounded around him as the Brylcreemed Scotch proprietor, McBook, leaned down behind the counter and scooped up twelve mice, pouring them into a sizeable cardboard box. Ephram deposited a handful of coins before him and grasped the box eagerly, making to leave.
"Wait!" barked McBook, "You forgot your special offer!"
Ephram turned, taken aback.
"Special offer?" he said, perplexed.
"Indeed," said McBook enticingly, "With every twelfth mouse you buy, you get a complimentary cat!"
Ephram stared at him incredulously. McBook grinned.
"Say that again..." said Ephram uncertainly.
"You heard correctly," nodded McBook, "a whole cat! It's what we call a 'lagni-app'. A complimentary application which, when placed in amongst your rodent purchases, will keep them fresh, fit and lithe, and effectively eliminate the risk of their becoming saggy and lethargic and succumbing to heart disease."
He grinned again.
"Right..." said Ephram, none the certainer, "any chance I could opt out of this … very generous … 'offer'?"
"Afraid not," said McBook, his smile never faltering.
"But you have my money," said Ephram, "and I have the mice…"
"That's neither here nor there," said McBook coolly, "It's store policy that all our clients receive equal service; it would be remiss of me to allow you to leave here without a cat."
"But I just want twelve mice!" said Ephram, a note of desperation permeating his voice, "what if I left with eleven, then came back and bought the twelfth separately?"
"I'm afraid I should still have to furnish you with a cat," said McBook, stubbornly, "I'm sorry, but I can't be seen to be favouring you with any kind of special treatment. It's more than my job's worth."
"Right," said Ephram finally, handing the box over with no small amount of reluctance, "do what you will."
"Trust us," said McBook, brightly, placing a bemused-looking feline in the box and sealing it with tape.
Later that day, when Ephram re-opened the box, he saw a very fat, satiated cat staring back at him, and no mice to speak of. Trying to stymie the tide of profound annoyance he felt, he picked up his phone, and dialled the veg and pet store, primed to give McBook a piece of his mind, in as peaceable a fashion as he could muster.
"Hello?" said McBook, chirpily.
"The mice are dead," said Ephram shortly, "the cat ate them."
"Well of course it did," said McBook, "It's a bloody cat, what did you expect?"
Ephram felt his blood begin to boil.
"I thought you said it would stop them suffering from heart disease," he said through gritted teeth.
"Well, it did, didn't it?" said McBook, audibly confused.
Ephram was now close to bursting point.
"So what do you expect me to do now?" he growled.
There was a silence down the line.
"Well," said McBook slowly, "I s'pose you'd better come and buy some more mice."

SATIRE.

The End

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